Open Letter to my Daughter, the one I had too young
If there is anything I want you to know, it's although you were a big surprise, you were always wanted. Not once did I question if I wanted you. I only ever questioned how….how would I be your Mom? Was I ever going to be good enough?
There are SO many things that I'm sorry for, but that doesn't mean I didn't try. For you are the reason my feet kept moving, my heart kept beating and my lungs kept breathing. You taught me what true love is, you taught me how it feels to love another person unconditionally. What it's was like to love another human more than yourself, can only be defined when you become a parent. I could never begin to explain exactly what you mean to me, but here's my attempt…
I know I've always been honest with you, maybe our relationship being more like that of sisters than Mother and Daughter is why. In reality, we grew up together. Experiencing different parts of life, yes, but you watched me grow up just as much as I watched you grow up. Part of my honesty was to protect you and lead you to live a better life than I ever had a prayer of living. The most common warning I gave you “don't make the same mistakes that I did” doesn't mean what you think… I only realize now what that warning may have meant to you.
I'm sorry that I never realized what life was about, until the moment I held you. I'm sorry that I couldn't get myself together long enough to do anything other than cry when I first met you, my heart and soul had changed. Instantly. The moment your eyes wouldn't leave mine, or you were inconsolable until you heard my voice, or were in my arms. It's moving is an understatement. I was expecting my heart to explode when I met you, but not as intensely as it did. The wave of emotion that swept over me was overbearing, the deep, gut-wrenching fear that someone in this world may one day hurt you killed me inside. Maternal instinct is powerful my sweet girl and one day I know you'll feel it. When you do, I'll be right there holding your hand, because I'm your Mother and that's what Mother's do.
I'm sorry you had to watch me learn how to become an adult. I'm so sorry you helped me pick up the pieces from one adulting mistake after another. You may have looked at me like a fool who just couldn't get anything right. None of it is your fault. Matter of fact, it was you who gave me the courage and strength to keep starting over. One mistake after another, we always picked up the pieces together. You gave me the drive, the passion, and desire to keep on keeping on. It was all you, you and you alone. Yes, we eventually found our groove but getting there is all thanks to you.
I may have had you way too soon, but that's exactly when you were meant to become part of my life. I knew it, deep down I knew you were created for a reason. 15 or 50, the same feelings erupt inside a female the moment we realize there is a life growing inside our bodies. I couldn't' help but wonder what you'd be like, look like, sound like, what your smile would be, how beautiful you'd be. So many people were quick to tell me my “choices”, but for me, I knew there was only one choice. And that choice was you…
I'm sorry so many times as you grew up I kept saying “Don't Make the Same Mistakes I did, Don't Ruin Your Life” YOU did NOT ruin my life! You blessed me with love, hope and reason. You gave me purpose and love, you taught me what a whole and complete heart felt like. I'd live the same exact life all over again if given the choice to start over.
I'm sorry you had to watch me learn, learn how to become an adult, learn how to provide, learn how to fail with dignity and learn how to find my flow in the ever-changing world around us. I tried so hard to give you everything I thought you needed. Everything I've ever tried at, failed at, improved at or succeeded at in this life was simply because of YOU.
Once upon a time, it was just us, and I know things were perfectly fine. Weekend shopping trips together just you and me, cuddles on the couch in the evenings watching whatever we wanted on TV, just you and me. You always worked your way into my bed when you were little. I'd wake up with your little arms wrapped tightly around my neck, with your curly-cues messed all too and fro.
You were once my only child, you worried about your Momma just like your Momma worried about you. It was us, we were a team. We had each other, and we did well just the two of us. You may not remember these days as they were quite some time ago, but I do. I cherish them, deep inside my heart and soul. The days of me and you. The days of simplicity when all we had to worry about was each other.
Remember when your baby brother came to join us, the little rock-star who stole the light? He was our baby, remember? He was never mine, but ours. You were such a little Mommy to him, it melts my heart to remember the excitement, love, and devotion I saw in your eyes when you met him. The big sister with a Mother's heart. You always said “he's our baby, right Mommy” the pride you had for your little brother, the one who barged into your life, you grasped his entry with such grace. Not once acting jealous, or concerned, but excited and quick to show him off.
You watched my heart get broken countless times as I navigated through the dating mess, with each and every heartbreak bringing encouragement from you. So many times you'd comfort me and say “it's okay Mommy, I won't let nobody hurt you” Your voice so tiny but pure, was all I needed to move on. Then one day it happened, I met him, the one who became your step-father.
Looking back, it seems like life went from just you and me to a crazy, blended family of six overnight! I know that's not how it happened, but I often wonder what you really felt inside. Even if I didn't say it, I often wondered how you coped. How you adjusted so quickly to all of the changes this life threw at us one after another. You always seemed to be such a trooper. No matter how many different ways I asked, you always said you were okay. Thinking back, I hope you weren't just telling me what you knew I wanted to hear. That'd be you, be strong for your Momma. That was what we did, me and you. We put each other first, always without question. An unspoken truth, a camaraderie that can't be compared.
We were meant to experience all of these changes that shaped us into the family we've become. Through each and every curveball this life threw at us, you remained my little rock. My confidant, my best friend, my angel from the heavens, my sweet baby girl, my girlfriend to the end. It's all because of you. Each and milestone, each and every attempt to pick up the pieces that Mom's choices left behind in the wrath of mistakes, each and every “we'll get through it together” was because I had the strength you gave me.
In the end, I hope you see exactly how important you are to me. My life's beginning was shaped because of you. Everything I am today is simply because I had you. I hope you have blossomed into the amazing young women you are today, simply because you had me.
I love you, my first born, my only daughter, my blessing from above. You are and always will be my everything.